The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
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