Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I think I won the penis lottery.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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