i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Randomize
