last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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