Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
