I think my fart just growled at me.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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