i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
