I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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