I can text with my tongue
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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