So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize