end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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