i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
