im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
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