I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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