I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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