I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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