Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
