Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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