BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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