I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize