she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
