Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Randomize