My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Randomize
