you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
