did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
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