The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
pop tarts are not kleenex
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize