oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
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