Well apparently he's into motor boating.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
