You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
