I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
