I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
