Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize