cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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