He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Randomize