last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
