Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
im having a threesome with these popsicles
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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