VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize