I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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