I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
