Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
