I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
