We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
