i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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