I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Randomize
