maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
