so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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