Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Shame - the story of my life.
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