Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
