I can't watch pbs sober anymore
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
We have so much sex to catch up on
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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