remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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