I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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