I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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