I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
