My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
my sisters under your porch take her home
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Randomize
