You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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