did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
