tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
This baby is an asshole
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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